Thursday, April 16, 2015


 
The Events of our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves, they find their own order
Eudora Welty
                When a person gets the urge to write, with a zillion thoughts being pumped through my brain like cars speeding through the streets of New York City, where do you start? I don’t like black ink.  My only friend these past few months has been Jose Cuervo.  I was at the lowest point of my life, the point where you try to see your future and you see nothing but a vast emptiness.  The only thing to keep me going was a single thought; “This will not last forever, you will be happy again, you will be sane again”.  Discomfort along with happiness these feelings will fill your being to extremes and then release you onto your next lesson to be learned.  In the past year, more within the past six months, I entered a stage in life of complete dissatisfaction.  I have felt loneliness, love, remorse, self- contemplation, mourning, loss, and renewal.  I gave up but continued to hurtle myself into the next day.  I laughed, I loved, I cried, and I shed pieces of my soul like a snake’s skin.  I stood empty yet filled with emotion deep in quiet solitude for only a few months even though each day I felt like dying.  What was I doing? Where was I going? Why am I so black and white?  I’m ready for my next shot. 
Change.  I despise and welcome you, as threatening as change is. I was angry and upset.  I was crawling out of my skin again.  If I could describe what taking place was, my soul if I have one was a huge lump of Mercury, silver liquid, and each step I took I could feel it oozing slowly dripping.  I am sure I left a trail of it everywhere I walked, everywhere I sat to think.  The beach, the blue, the green, and the blue.  Sun setting, the orange; how wonderful, the hot hot orange and red.  It will be miserable tomorrow.  I walked for miles in the sand; the dripping of mercury, the waves, the sand, and more sand.  I thought some more, quiet, serene, and the loneliness.  It began to rain.  As it sprinkled I walked and the sand stuck to my clothing now.  I sat there in the dunes, in the beach grass and it rained harder.  I was soaked with my hair in clumpy strands it stuck to my face.  I began my two mile walk back to civilization, wet, cold, and sandy.  I walked, shedding that mercury.  If I had opened my mouth to speak I was positive the only thing that would escape was a horrific screech.  I imagined that violent release leaving my being at supersonic speeds.  I envisioned the landscape around me shattering as the screech passed by and after everything crumbled around me floating into nothingness I would be left watching in the blackness.  I would be left there with my lonely contemplation and nowhere to go.  I remained silent for three entire months.  I welcomed every chance I had to truly be alone.  I needed to know myself.  I needed answers to my past and I needed a vision for my future, solitude.  I pushed all human contact away.  I needed to be alone, I needed to scream, and I needed myself.  I was searching for spirituality and I was searching for understanding.  To understand myself and this planet I live on.  I accepted kali, the Goddess of death and change.  I felt her breathing down my neck.  I have been feeling her for a very long time but I refused to give into her before, but now, now I am standing here face to face with the inevitable.  I am no longer scared.  I am no longer running as her arms stretched out to greet me.  Closing my eyes, I smelled her breath hot and horrible.   Devour me now, Chew my flesh, chew my bones and lick every last drop of my blood.  I welcome the excretion of my being from her bowels, renew me, I thank and welcome you for this.  Change.  I now recognize my past and how this effects my future. I recognize myself, what I already knew and what I have learned.  Sorrow.
                The best advice I could ever give is to know yourself.  To truly know yourself is a divine gift, one that nobody can take away.  To look past everything you have ever known, dig deep, and don’t be afraid. I embrace the chances I get to sit in complete solitude.  How do you affect other people? How do you affect society and what do you contribute to the world around you?  Why are you here?  I do not believe in coincidence, especially when it involves the people I meet and know. I used to think that I needed people and it’s true everyone needs people, you can’t move forward in your life without them.  Think of all the people you have ever known, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  You have needed each of these people to learn, to learn about yourself and to propel you into the world and into your future.  Every single person you have ever spoken to you have needed and just Maybe you have known before.  We need each other.
                I have recently learned that I love to dance.  I love learning about different cultures, I love learning new languages.  My communication skills and understanding of this world are evolving uniquely.  I am grateful for this.  I understand I will never be happy with or accept the 9-5, the white picket fence, the 1.5 children, because this is not me.  This is not why I am here.  My heart and intuition guide me and I follow.  I am loyal, trustworthy, and I cherish my few friends.  I love to be funny and I love to laugh.  I love to make you laugh. I see through fakeness and I am a great judge of character.  I am a human compass.  I am so insecure yet might be one of the strongest humans you will ever meet. I am determined and ambitious.  I will be brutally honest if it will help you.  I will never hurt you on purpose so tell me if I do otherwise I will not know.  I love deeply and appreciate imperfections.  I love the freckle under your eye.  Be as human as possible because I adore the gesture.  If I let you into my little world it will be very hard to let you go.  I will cherish and adore you but please don’t hurt me because I will never forgive you.  I try not to show emotion and if I do be grateful you were able to experience it.  I do nothing half assed in any aspect of my life.  In any kind of relationship I need all of you because I am giving you all of myself.  The worst feeling in the world is being crestfallen, the best feeling is falling in love.  To look into your lover’s eyes and trust they are falling in love with you also.  The first soft kiss, to just lay and joke and make each other laugh for hours.  The new discoveries when you think you know them and to find something you never noticed about them before.  The mutual understanding, caring, admiration, lust, respect and you can’t get enough of that person.  When you are apart, to constantly think about that person and know they are thinking of you too.  To search for each other just to make eye contact when you are with other people, to listen to their heart beating, head on their chest, beating and it’s the only sound you care about.  How great it was to first meet and how great it is to know them better than they know themselves.  Adore all of the imperfections because those imperfections make that person so perfect to you.  The mutual understanding, so rare and hard to find yet we let these things go to grasp a future that seems unobtainable with them.  Why? 
                I like honey.  I like sweet tea. I love to cook.  I love company.  I love making people happy.  I love to make people feel loved.  I will stand up for my friends but I will stand up for myself 10 times more.  I believe in me.  I believe in Love.  I am too passionate.  I am extremely passionate.  I can’t do anything without full effort and care.   I don’t like French fries.  I can’t tolerate cheating and liars.  I despise people who say one thing and do another.  I despise people who use others to make themselves feel better.  I could never use a person because I am too fragile to be used.  I believe in karma…

Narcissist Problems





Memoirs of a Scapegoat


Little girl with jelly on your face, Trapped in time, inside your box.

I wish I could apologize for what the world has brought.

I wish my tears could cleanse you of all the hurt you have felt.

Such an innocent smile, I wish I could have saved you.

You were always happy by default.

The only tears you knew were those of a scrapped knee.

I’m sorry for the years, I wish I could have preserved you;

In your tiny sun dress.

I’m sorry I exposed you to them,

The criticism was worse than UV rays.

I could have stopped them but you needed to grow.

You had no idea what the future held,

Your innocent mind explored everything.

Each day you moved forward you had no clue.

You trusted everyone and I let everyone hurt you.

They opened up your unknowing soul.

“I love you” was a hug but today I see you get tense by hearing these words.

When you learned to read, Remember Green Eggs and ham?

You would read to anyone willing to listen.

You caught frogs and built tree houses in summer.

Look at what they have done to you, did I mention that I’m sorry?

Each unwanted word is like being lashed

Tense muscles, nervous breakdown, on Zoloft.

Trying to escape a body you once enjoyed,

I’m sorry
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

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